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A child’s self-esteem serves as their armor against the challenges of the world. Kids who know their strengths and weaknesses and feel good about themselves seem to have an easier time handling conflicts and resisting negative pressures. They tend to smile more readily and enjoy life. These kids are realistic and generally optimistic.

In contrast, kids with low self-esteem can find challenges to be sources of major anxiety and frustration. Those who think poorly of themselves have a hard time finding solutions to problems. If given to self-critical thoughts such as "I'm no good" or "I can't do anything right," they may become passive, withdrawn, or depressed. Faced with a new challenge, their immediate response might be "I can't."

What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is similar to a sense of self-worth (how much a person values himself or herself) and can change from day to day or from year to year. However, overall self-esteem tends to develop from infancy and keep going until we are adults.

Self-esteem can also be defined as feeling capable while also feeling loved. A child who is happy with an achievement but does not feel loved may eventually experience low self-esteem. Likewise, a child who feels loved but is hesitant about his or her own abilities can also develop low self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem comes when a good balance is maintained. 

Children create a self-concept based on interactions with other people. This is why parental involvement is essential to helping kids form accurate and healthy self-perceptions. Parents and caregivers can promote healthy self-esteem by showing encouragement and enjoyment in many areas. Avoid focusing on one specific area (for example, success on a spelling test, which can lead to kids feeling that they're only as valuable as their test scores).

Signs of Unhealthy and Healthy Self-Esteem

Self-esteem fluctuates as kids grow. It's frequently changed and fine-tuned, because it is affected by a child's experiences and new perceptions. So it helps to be aware of the signs of both healthy and unhealthy self-esteem.

Kids with low self-esteem may not want to try new things and may speak negatively about themselves: "I'm stupid," "I'll never learn how to do this," or "What's the point? Nobody cares about me anyway." They may exhibit a low tolerance for frustration, giving up easily or waiting for somebody else to take over. They tend to be overly critical of and easily disappointed in themselves.

Kids with low self-esteem see temporary setbacks as permanent, intolerable conditions, and a sense of pessimism prevails. This can place kids at risk for stress and mental health problems, as well as real difficulties solving different kinds of problems and challenges they encounter.

Kids with healthy self-esteem tend to enjoy interacting with others. They're comfortable in social settings and enjoy group activities as well as independent pursuits. When challenges arise, they can work toward finding solutions and voice discontent without belittling themselves or others. For example, rather than saying, "I'm an idiot," a child with healthy self-esteem says, "I don't understand this." They know their strengths and weaknesses, and accept them. A sense of optimism prevails.

How Parents Can Help

The following tips can assist parents in fostering a healthy self-esteem in their children:

• Be careful what you say. Kids can be sensitive to parents' and others' words. Remember to praise your child not only for a job well done, but also for the effort they put into completing tasks. But be honest in your praise. For example, if your child doesn't make the soccer team, avoid saying something like, "Well, next time you'll work harder and make it." Instead, try "Well, you didn't make the team, but I'm really proud of the effort you put into it." Reward effort and completion instead of_outcome.
  
  Sometimes, a child's skill level is just not there — so helping kids overcome disappointments can really help them learn what they're good at and what they're not so good at. As adults, it's OK to say "I can't carry a tune" or "I couldn't kick a ball to save my life," so use warmth and humor to help your kids learn about themselves and to appreciate what makes them unique.

• Be a positive role model. If you're excessively harsh on yourself, pessimistic, or unrealistic about your abilities and limitations, your kids might eventually mirror you. Nurture your own self-esteem and they'll have a great role model.

• Identify and redirect inaccurate beliefs. It's important for parents to identify kids' irrational beliefs about themselves, whether they're about perfection, attractiveness, ability, or anything else. Helping kids set more accurate standards and be more realistic in evaluating themselves will help them have a healthy self-concept.
  
  Inaccurate perceptions of self can take root and become reality to kids. For example, a child who does very well in school but struggles with math may say, "I can't do math. I'm a bad student." Not only is this a false generalization, it's also a belief that can set a child up for failure. Encourage kids to see a situation in a more objective way. A helpful response might be: "You are a good student. You do great in school. Math is a subject that you need to spend more time on. We'll work on it together."

• Be spontaneous and affectionate. Your love will help boost your child's self-esteem. Give hugs and tell kids you're proud of them when you can see them putting effort toward something or trying something at which they previously failed. Put notes in your child's lunchbox with messages like "I think you're terrific!" Give praise often and honestly, but without overdoing it. Having an inflated sense of self can lead kids and teens to put others down or feel that they're better than everyone else, which can be socially isolating.

• Give positive, accurate feedback. Comments like "You always work yourself up into such a frenzy!" will make kids feel like they have no control over their outbursts. A better statement is, "I can see you were very angry with your brother, but it was nice that you were able to talk about it instead of yelling or hitting." This acknowledges a child's feelings, rewards the choice made, and encourages the child to make the right choice again next time.

• Create a safe, loving home environment. Kids who don't feel safe or are abused at home are at greatest risk for developing poor self-esteem. A child who is exposed to parents who fight and argue repeatedly may feel they have no control over their environment and may feel helpless or depressed. Also watch for signs of bullying or abuse by others, problems in school, trouble with peers, and other factors that may affect kids' self-esteem. Encourage your kids to talk to you or other trusted adults about solving problems that are too big to solve by themselves.

• Help kids become involved in constructive experiences. Activities that encourage cooperation rather than competition are especially helpful in fostering self-esteem. For example, mentoring programs in which an older child helps a younger one learn to read can do wonders for both kids. Volunteering and contributing to your local community can have positive effects on self-esteem for everyone involved.

• Help your child develop a routine that works for him/her. A healthy routine should include adequate time to complete homework tasks, household chores and still leave an appropriate amount of time to play/relax. The child should develop a routine that suits them while still completing the tasks/outcomes that the parent expects done. 

• Guide your child in learning to make good decisions independently. Children should be given the opportunity to make decisions on their own so that that they may learn how to make good decisions independently. However, in order to develop effective decision making abilities they need to experience the support, presence and understanding of their parents while they make such decisions in their early years. Parental presence and support will enable the child to gain confidence in making effective decisions independently.  
  
  Under appropriate circumstances, allow your child to be right occasionally. Give your child the opportunity to persuade of their opinion, to prompt him/her to think/reason out on their own more ideas and also why their ideas are appropriate and correct. This also gives your child the valuable opportunity to learn to express their thoughts and feelings, in a safe space. In so doing your child may improve their communication and persuasion skills. 

• Acknowledge the positive characteristics, traits, behaviors and achievements of your child. This will enable your child to feel understood and accepted, leading them to develop feelings of adequacy and worth. Acknowledgement may have a greater positive impact on your child than praise. 

• Differentiate between the person that your child is and the behavior that they display, especially when disciplining. Allow your child to develop a healthy, positive image of who they are by allowing them to understand that the behavior they displayed was incorrect and that their behavior does not make them a bad person, even though the child needs to change it or be disciplined by the parent for it. Provide positive criticism and guidance when disciplining your child so that they are left with an understanding of why they are being disciplined for their behaviour and where they can make changes. For example, say to your child: “I don’t like it when you speak to me in that tone because it is disrespectful” rather than “I don’t like your attitude”. 

• Differentiate between mistakes and intentional misbehavior/disobedience. Discipline according to your child’s intended action and not based on the behavior that they display solely.  Discipline should be strict enough to allow the child to learn their lesson so that they do not repeat the mistake/behavior. If discipline is overdone (too strict) your child may feel that you do not understand him, making him/her see you as unreasonable and thus making him/her less likely to agree with your ideas / want to listen to you in the future. 

• Listen actively. Make an effort to understand the meaning behind what your child is saying. This will promote feelings of competence, adequacy and a higher sense of worth/value. 

• Show interest in your child’s experiences, activities, friends and his/her interests. This will allow your child to feel validated and accepted and prompt him/her to pursue their other interests in future. Such actions will develop their confidence which will in turn allow them to learn new things and broaden their repertoire of experiences and skills when the opportunities present themselves. 
• Spend quality time with your child. Spend time with your child where you are not focused on completing a specific task/activity or working towards performing/achieving some outcome. Spend time where you get to know the person that your child is growing into. This will validate your child, making him/her feel good enough just the way they are.